“It’s Sink or Swim” My dad said just a couple days before he became immortalized as an angel. As it turns out he didn’t sink or swim. His body sunk but my dad floated up into Heaven where ever and whatever that is. I imagine it has to be blissful because my dad is there and I cannot wait to be with him again when I’m suppose to.
Today is the one and only day We are going to gather with family and friends around the body my dad occupied for 74 years. He will be in his navy uniform just as he wanted. Senior Chief Birkenmeyer, my dad, will be getting full military honors for an entire career he served so proudly for a country he loves so much and worked so faithfully hard for myself, my mom, and my little brother to have wonderful lives.
Dad, you’d be so proud of mom and Jason. They are sad but they are doing so good. Honestly I think I’m the one taking it the hardest. I’m really struggling Dad. Ya know, the “strong one”. Not so much right now. This has broken me but I will process this and I promise to be ok and put back together again. This morning I actually feel better than I have since you passed away. I hope this is the beginning of my healing. However, I have no idea how I will respond later today when I see the body I’ve been so familiar with for my entire 40 years of life, so far, that I’ve always known as “Dad”. But dad, I know that it’s not just your visual body I’m so familiar with. For 40 years I’ve experienced your love, support, anger, frustrations, your puns, your jokes, your whole multi faceted personality and even still I bet there are parts of your personality that I never got to know. There are so many memories I have that have helped to grow me into who I am and who I will continue to become, dad. You and mom have ALWAYS influenced me more than anyone else on planet earth. Now you influence me by memories rather than new experiences. But new experiences from here on out will still be created with the influence you had and will ALWAYS have on me. Dad I hope you can read these messages. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. Because I want you to know you are loved and missed and I want what we are doing to fill you with overwhelming joy because you deserve it for eternity where ever you are.
I love you Dad.
The very last thing I said to you just approximately four and a half hours before you passed on was, “I’m going to go home now and help mom make some phone calls to hire home health care and get everything ready so we can be prepared to have you come home as soon as we can so I’ll see you again shortly ok?” to which you nodded yes and gave me a quick wave as you labored so hard to breath with your bipap machine on forcing air into your tired lungs. I did come back with mom about four hours later because we had a meeting with the hospice social workers and nurses to talk about how we were going to bring you back home. I peaked into your room because we were a few minutes early and if you were sleeping I did not want to wake you. You were sound asleep with your bipap mask on. I looked on you for three or four seconds consoling myself that you were sound asleep. It was wonderful to see you sleeping so peacefully. It had not even occurred to me that maybe you were no longer there at that moment. You just looked alive and peacefully sleeping for a really nice change so I went back over to mom and told her you were snoozing hard let’s not wake you until the hospice people showed up so we could all talk together about your discharge. Your bipap machine made it look like you were breathing, and maybe you still were, we do not know for sure. It was about 25 minutes after I checked in on you the hospice social workers and nurse arrived. It was time to go into your room and wake you up so we could discuss bringing you back home on hospice care.
The nurses were right in front of me. We basically walked in together and I discovered you with them. Dad I froze when I saw you because it looked like you were gone. I did not like the position your body was in all slouched to the side in a very uncomfortable position and with your breathing mask off which you cannot get air into your lungs without. I didnt know if possibly that just happened seconds before we walked in or maybe just after I checked in on you about 25 minutes earlier when you were sitting upright in your chair appearing to be getting much needed sound sleep. I didnt like the color on your face. Everything was scary. Neither mom or jason saw you like that it was just me and the nurses. Mom was in the hospital wheel chair behind the curtain where she couldnt see you. I looked back at her, she looked at me, I said, “wait mom”… Knowing she was confused, maybe even scarred, I didnt know what to say while the nurses were working on waking my dad up. He has do not resuscitate orders. I shouted softly, “Does he have a pulse?” They told me you were still breathing dad. They closed the door for a few minutes. Different nurses were coming and going. They told us they were going to transfer you from the chair to the bed and just needed a few minutes to do that and then we could see you. They even went to get that big machine that transfers people. They knew you were gone but they needed a Dr. to pronounce you to be gone. I understand why they did what they did. They don’t know how we were going to respond right then and there discovering you like that. They didnt know if we would get in the way of what they were doing, if we would become violent towards ourselves, others around us, if we’d start destroying property, smashing medical equipment in a rage… Who knows. So I completely understand why they were lying to us. Jason actually showed up while the charade was going on asking “so what are we talking about guys?” He was in a happy mood to be there visiting his dad, dad. At that point I believed the nurse who told me that you were still breathing and that they were transferring you from the chair into the hospital bed even though I thought you were dead when I first saw you upon walking into your room with the nurses. So I let jason know they were transferring you and wed be let in in a few minutes. He went to use the bathroom I think while we waited. Mom was talking to the social worker who was waiting with us outside of your room about how you cannot breath laying in bed. We were both questioning how this was going to work trying to transfer you from your chair into the hospital bed. She assured us they’d find a “sweet spot” for you in the bed. She was really nice to be honest. Again I completely understand why they did what they did. The social worker waiting with us I believe did not know that you were gone because she had not seen you up to that point and the nurses in your room were working hard in your room. Well dad, one of the nurses came out from behind the curtain and told me, “he has no pulse”. She was pleasant about it. Extremely nice in the most delicate set of circumstances with the most delicate of news to give to someone. I said, “you said he was breathing?” in a soft voice. She said, “it was his machine breathing”. I looked down to mom in the hospital wheel chair and we began crying and holding each other. The nurse asked us if wed like to come in for a moment with you dad and we could take as much time as we needed with you. I went in with mom. Jason was still in the bathroom. We saw your newly vacated body dad. I’ve never seen a dead body before you dad except after it’s all made up for viewing in a funeral home. I will see your former body in the funeral home later today. It’s been five days now since you passed on. The nurses had your body reclined. I havent seen you recline like that in probably at least over 10 or 12 years ago because you have not been able to breath for that long in a reclined position like that. The first that that struck me hard when I walked in to see your body with mom was how painfully obvious it was that you were no longer there inside your body. I don’t know how to explain it dad. Even in a funeral home a body is so clearly empty of a spirit or a soul. I’m sure you and anyone else that has ever seen an empty body knows exactly what I’m talking about. The words from the nurse that you had no pulse told us what had just happened but it’s when I saw your empty body that it hit me hard that you were really gone after all. I’ve never known life without you in your body, Dad. Anytime I ever saw you, sleeping or awake, I could see your soul and your spirit. To see your body without your soul or spirit for the first time ever in my 40 years of life, that was something I do not know how to put into words dad. There is a very heavy finality to it all. After being in there for maybe one minute with mom I remembered Jason was in the bathroom and I needed to go brace him for this because he was in a happy mood to be able to visit with you dad. I told mom I needed to find jason before he walked in on us so I could brace him and give him the news. Maybe 5 steps outside of your room dad I heard jason crying but couldnt see him yet so I just kept walking in the direction of his voice til I could see him then kept going to him. He had two really nice nurses at his side holding him up and comforting him. He was in denial at first but crying really hard. I went up to him without saying anything and just held him. He needed to sit down for a minute so I just sat there with him and held him and hugged him with the two nurses still there. I don’t even remember if I said anything to him at that point except that we could see your body dad, and that mom was already in there. We didnt sit long. Jason was ready to see your body. We walked in together to be with mom and to see your body dad. It was so painful to see that you were not there any more. How does someone get over that? We are on that journey of discovery right now. You’d be proud of Jason and I dad. You told me it would be nice if my brother and I got along more. Well, I was there for him just as I described. I told him I loved him. And ever since, we’ve gotten along great. We always had our moments and I’m sure we will have more moments in the future but dad you know I always loved Jason even when I frustrated the living day lights out of me. I could have been a better brother at certain times. I’m certainly going to be a better brother. I promise. Dad I always needed to do ANYTHING for you and mom. Not just for you and for mom but also for myself I emotionally needed to do anything you and mom ever wanted me to do. Jason, mom, and me have to move on without you being here the way that you’ve been here before your passing day oct 13th 2017. Now you’re here in a different way that I do not understand, that I’m unfamiliar with, that I may never understand til after I pass on too. Dad we only spent a few minutes with your body in your hospital room. You passed away in room 154 at aurora medical center here in Kenosha Wisconsin. Your last moment of life was in that room as you relaxed into passing away. I couldnt spend a long amount of time seeing your body like that. I placed my had on your arm. Your body was still warm. Mom noticed the same. I told you that I love you. I said thank you thank you thank you for adopting me I’m so glad you adopted me dad. I told you those things as I walked out of your room. If I remember correctly I think I also said I can’t wait to see you again soon. Dad you’d be so proud of us. The three of us accomplished so much that day. You passed away somewhere between maybe 1:30 and 2:20 I’m guessing. I peaked in on you at about 1:53 when I thought you were sleeping very sound. Looking back on it I think you were most likely gone or in the process of passing and I didn’t know it at the time. 19 out of 20 times I’ve ever peaked in on you sleeping no matter how quiet I was you would wake up and see me and wave. As I look back on that three or four seconds I looked in on you consoling myself you were sleeping sound for a nice change, you did not look up. You did not wave. You didnt move a muscle actually. The bipap machine was breathing for you. Dad I always thought that when you pass on it might be a very uncomfortable suffocation experience because of how your lungs are. You passed away while your lungs were getting forced air through the bipap and 10 liters of oxygen. I feel confident and VERY at peace with myself that you relaxed, got comfortable, and passed away as peaceful as can be. You deserved that after struggling to breath for well over a decade. Before we left the hospital I was going to ask your nurse if anyone saw you after I left you earlier that morning telling you i’d see you again shortly later that day. Before I had a chance to ask, your nurse volunteered that information to me. Your nurse told me she came to see how you were doing a couple hours before you passed, which would be a couple hours after I last saw you, and you were having a really hard time. She asked if you’d like another drop of morphine. You said yes. She gave you that morphine drop, put your bipap mask back on, and she said she saw you calm down and get comfortable again and that’s how she left you last. From there, well, I already told you what happened. Dad right after you passed away and we left your room we picked out a funeral parlor based on Debbies recommendation. We met with them later that evening. They are so nice. They are taking care of everything. It’s a turn key solution type of funeral parlor. They doing everything literally the only thing we have to do is answer some questions, bring your uniform you wanted to be laid out in, and today we are bringing some foam boards with lots of pictures. I think the coolest thing about how we handled ourselves, dad, is how we all kept ourselves together without fighting even when jason misplaced his phone, broke his car keys which lead us having to detour to a couple different places to take care of that in the midst of what was already going on etc… We helped and supported each other through it all and we still are. Jason, mom, and I are going to figure out the points system for jason running the poker league. That was you and jason dad. Jason did not put it on hold. Just one day after you passed away was the big tournament. He kept it going. He won! It took it all down. Oh wow that was such a wonderful boost for him, and for mom and I too because we want him to do well and jason so badly wants to make you proud. Oh wow did he make you proud dad, we all are making you proud. He had poker again last night. Dad you told him not to take a month off and that it had to keep going or it would not survive. Jason is doing it dad. Look at him go!!!! I do wish jason could have been with us last night. Mom and I had uncle joe, lisa, aunt sandy, aunt claudia, diana, aunt barbara, jonathan, jake, and lou anne over last night. Oh that was so wonderful. Jonathan, jake, and of course uncle joe just had non stop jokes and funny stories all night. It created an amazing environment to be in especially at a time like this. Dad I wish you could have been there because you love laughing and you are the best at going back and forth with anyone in any battle of witts and fast thinking humor. But dad, maybe you were there last night with us but just couldnt participate in the way that we are familiar with.
Dad I have to start thinking about getting ready for whats to come today. It’s a big day. I don’t know how I am going to be when I first see your body laid out. For all I know I could pass out, I could cry uncontrollably all day, I could cry just once at first and then be fine the rest of the day with random crying, I really don’t know..
The last thing I said to you was, “…so Ill see you again shortly ok?” to which you nodded and gave me a quick wave with your hand. I was thinking I’d see you again still living in your body later that day to talk about how we’d get you home. Well I’m saying it again dad. I’ll see you again shortly because in the context of time an average life span is pretty short. I will see you again shortly dad but instead of seeing you again shortly living in your body I will see you again shortly living in eternity in Heaven.
-Tom
Chatell Wallace
Never easy to see your parent like that.
Hugs to you !!!! ♡♡♡
Tracy May
Lisa Carbonara
What a beautiful heartfelt heartwrenching tribute. It took me a few times to get through it through many tears. I felt like I was right there with you and your family and like I knew your dad personally.So much support and love sent to you. You are brave & strong and will continue to be.Much gratiude to your dad for serving our country.Lots of love to your family & prayers for strength and peace.
Donna Capodicasa
Kathy Sullivan
Alex R Artworthy
Crystal Marie Bliesner
Denise Clifton
Vicki Bush Bredemeier
Billie Johnson-Tiffner
??Kae Lin Eliason
Llora Louise Lacey
Julie Matuszak Goralski
Karen Shunk
I am so wishing you, your Mom, & Jason to be filled up with all of that love & peace, to get you through your unbearable grief.
Huge hugs my friend.
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Joan Woodhouse
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?Janesse Augot-Short
❤️❤️
??Valorie Girard
❤️
?Mel Wheeler Bairos
Arlene Paraiso
Time is short.
I feel your story. I would speak to my dad all the time and 3 years later, i still do… Just not quite as often. The depth of loss is vast. But that is how God helps us to know love and Him. God rest your dads soul and Peace to you your mom and Jason.
AnnMarie Calandra Brescia
Lorraine Cohen
R.I.P may your papa ‘s soul have an easy rise and may you and family know of no more sorrow G d Bless