on my shoulder in the black outfit who ascended into heaven about 48 hours ago. My birth mom is the woman in the forefront.
Don’t just read one line and “like”. Read all of this and “love”, comment, share yourself, it’s important we are more involved with each other <3 <3 <3
Let me tell you some things about these two remarkable women in my life. What a story I have for you <3 <3 <3 I will get to the story of how my birth mom and my mom and dad met for the first time further down below after I mention a few more amazingly cool things. It’s a wonderful story and one of the happiest moments of my life, my mom and dads lives, and my birth moms life and I hope it touches some of you, too.
BRACE YOURSELF.. As I typed this I kept typing and typing so many random thoughts popping into my head after the story of everyone meeting for the first time. I didn’t even have to stop and think. It just flowed. So much emotion. So much purpose for us all to see a long post like this and be even more inspired than we already are to love and support one another with full on vulnerability and realness absent of all “tough guy” vibrato.
Look how happy my sweet mom is that we are together. The expression on her face.. Wow.. Yesterday and the day before I was going through pictures to find for her Obituary photo and when I came across this one the search was immediately over. Cropped her out of the photo and this is it. I’m going to use this whole photo with myself and my birth mom at the memorial and celebration of life service sometime after covid-19 dies down so that’s probably going to be a while from now.
The picture was taken at the time of my dads funeral, about 2 years and 10 months ago. My Colorado mom made the trip from Loveland Colorado to be here. I can’t wait to see her again whenever it is we have the memorial and celebration of life service after the health pandemic is over.
My mom was born to be my mom, even though she did not give birth to me, I am her son and she is my mom. She is the only one I call, “Mom”. My birth mom I either call LouAnne or my Colorado mom. When I’m talking to my biological sisters about my Colorado mom I refer to her as “Mom”. To everyone else I call her her LouAnne or my Colorado Mom.
My mom encouraged me to find my biological parents my whole life. When I was 35 I finally did. Between my moms encouragement to keep trying after failed attempts, and my dads amazing brain finding a minor technicality that gave my adoption case worker a legitimate legal avenue of reaching out to my biological mom directly via a phone call, it finally happened. I talked to my bio mom for the first time ever at age 35 and from there came in contact with my bio dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, two siblings I never knew I had, even one more living grandparent I got to know for a few years until she passed away just a few years ago. My bio mom and dad did not end up together after they had me and adopted me out. Both sides of my birth family are wonderful people. I lucked out because a lot of re-connections end up going very badly and therapy is needed. This has just been wonderful all around and I know I am lucky.
On to the story..
I’ve already met my bio family at this point of my parents and my bio mom meeting for the first time. I had already gone out to loveland to meet everyone and spend time with them. I remember my mom driving me to the airport to send me off to see my birth mom who would scoop me up at the Denver airport. One mom to another mom… Wow that was so cool <3
Fast forward to the day of myself picking up my Colorado mom from the Milwaukee airport to bring her to my parents house. Oh god that was one of the most blissful and most happiest moments of my life I will forever play on constant re-run in my mind!
I’m at my parents house. Just as I leave to pick up Colorado mom I say something like, here I go! I will be back soon with my Colorado mom. Man that was so cool to say! They were excited to meet her finally after all these years and a few conversations over the phone. Look at it from my parents point of view. They were about to meet, in person, the woman who birthed their son and adopted him out. If not for my Colorado mom my parents would not have had me as their son <3 They were about to meet this woman! That filled my heart with so much happiness to see my mom and my dad about to have this experience.
So, I take off to the airport. Very anxious I am. No delays in her flight that I can remember and Milwaukee Mitchel airport is super easy so I was able to pick her right up and whisk her away straight to my parents house which was only a 35 minute drive! She stayed with me at my house which was only 2 minutes away from my parents house but we just wanted to get to my parents house asap and then unpack at my house later!
Pulling into the driveway of my parents house. Oh my god I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, I’m on cloud 9, I can’t believe this is finally happening, I can’t wait to see the look on everyones faces and the hugs and whatever else happens!
I open the side door into the house that goes to the kitchen, my birth mom right behind me, my parents are already sitting at the kitchen table, chairs turned toward the side door… My birth mom following behind me.. As soon as she is visible to my parents I say, Mom and Dad this is LouAnne, my birth mom.
In the spirit of transparency as I’m typing this I am having one of many random moments of crying. Reliving this moment in my mind is triggering a good cry right now <3 <3
Immediately my birth mom drops whatever she had in her hands and their are warm hugs all around. Ohhhhh the look on my sweet moms face to see the woman who is responsible for me being her son was priceless. My sweet mom was so happy. I know for sure this was one of the happiest moments of her life and I hope she replayed it in her mind anytime she was feeling sad.
Everyone was so happy. My dad was happy. My birth mom was happy. I was certainly happy. The expressions on everyones faces and the love felt between everyone truly is what life is about and makes all the extremely difficult times worth while. That is something I have to remember no matter how many times I have to remind myself. As much as I am hurting right now, as much as my heart has been broken right now, it’s these memories that makes the heart ache worth while. I have to remember that and I hope all of you reading this remembers that as well. I have never been more heart broken in all my life. Not for any girl I had a romantic interest in, not for anyone else. The loss of my mom to the next life, and my second and last parent, is the most emotionally challenging experience of my life. It’s memories this one here and the support of great people in my life is what I need to help me.
You’ve probably figured out by now the picture of the four of us is the day my mom and dad and birth mom met for the first time. I love this picture and I will carry it around in my heart forever. Both of these pictures I will carry with me forever because of the memories they invoke that mean so much to me. There was so much laughter. You can even see some of the laughter captured in this more candid picture of the four of us. There was so much hugging. So much story telling. So much love. This was deeply therapeutic for everyone all around. It was days like these that were the best days of my life.
Oh mom I miss you so much. My heart hurts beyond belief that I will never get to see you again, hear your voice again, or hear you talk back to me while I still talk to you out loud with my voice. I have to admit It feels lonely now doing so much talking but never hearing your voice talk back to me again. Now I’m pretty much uncontrollably crying as I am typing this right now. Mom I so desperately want to hear you say, “Honey, ….” knowing I will never get to hear those sweet words to me with your sweet voice ever again. I have to keep stopping to blow my nose and wipe tears from my eyes. I knew typing this up would do this but it’s ok. All of my crying and heart ache is really a deeply powerful testament to the love we feel for each other. I have to look at it that way because it’s true and it might be even mildly comforting to recognize that truth.
I hope sharing this un polished and raw experience with the world helps other people out who might be grieving. There is a lot of emotional suffering out there and we all need to be there for each other. I think that is one of our most important tasks as humans; simply to be there for each other. A lot of times we tend to polish things up when we should be 100% transparent and forthright. A wonderful thing happens when you have courage to be 100% transparent and forthright when you are emotionally struggling the most. Others recognize it more than the polished version which helps them with their grieving processes because their is now true empathy between us. You are going to receive less polished condolences and various offerings of support because you’ve opened the door for more full-on realness which is the best therapy for all involved. There is going to be less judgement. From most people their will be no judgement at all even if they have a habit of judging they will not judge you because of the doorway that’s been opened to 100% realness and vulnerability for deep compassion for one another. I’m not saying there is never a time to be polished and proper, I’m saying in certain times like this, it’s better to be unpolished so all of the aforementioned human therapies can happen for all people. For the occasional person that might judge you, it makes it easy to identify that individual and excommunicate while wishing them the best.
My mom had a HUGE heart. A heart of gold. She loving to do things for other people and give to other people. It drove my dad nuts at times because it usually involved spending money..LoL Or, it involved my moms unhealthy weight gain and diabetes which also drove my dad nuts because he loved her and wanted to see her improve her health as did I.
One of her favorite things when she was still healthy enough to be more mobile around the house was to bake various sweets for people. Often times she would eat some of what she baked and it contributed to destroying her health up to her dying day. I know it feels good in the moment to eat sweet fatty food but is the price to pay a worth while one? I guess that is for every individual to decide for themselves. I’m sure there are a large plurality of people who decide it was not worth it after it is too late and that is the catch 22 of that deal. How do you know for sure it will be worth while to live an unhealthy life style until after you experience enough of the consequences. I think the primary reason it happens with so many people is because it happens so slowly over the course of many years. I’ve always thought it to be like a lobster settling in for a nice warm bath. He doesn’t get out because the heat is turned up sooooo slowly and feels so good at first until the horrible consequences kick in.
In my opinion, and I tried so hard and so desperately to get my mom to subscribe to this, it’s better to go for a worthwhile life than an easy life. Learning how to make healthy food taste amazing, and regularly fitness, is worth while for how your mind and body rewards you on a daily basis as you grow older feeling and looking more youthful. One of my life goals is to help people transition over to that philosophy of living so we can all live and love one other for more years and with better energy and capabilities. The best gift you can give to your loved ones, I’ve been saying this for years, is to simply be here living and living well.
My heart didn’t just start hurting when I realized my mom was not going to survive covid-19. My heart started hurting a couple of decades ago when I noticed my mom starting to pay the consequences for not being faithful to her health and wellness. Slowly over many years her health and wellness would be chipped away. The proverbial lobster settling in for a nice warm bath. It happened so slowly it never shocked her senses into turning a new leaf. For the last maybe ten years of her life I searched my brain DAILY for new ways of appealing to my mom to turn over that new leaf. Over the course of time I did have some success but it wasn’t enough to turn the corner for long term health. There was a couple instances where she did make enough changes that she lost about a hundred pounds, brought her A1C level below 6.0 from about 8 if I remember correctly and that was a HUGE thing to have an A1C below 6.0!! Her blood panels came around but that was also with the help of medications. For a little bit at one point she was doing so good. I praised her so much and encouraged her to keep going. But it did not last. The last two years of her life she really took a nose dive, starting with her new amplified toxic way of thinking, and self sabotaged for the rest of her life. It just continued spiraling down from there. One health scare after another for 2 years until her passing. I think the worst moment was when she finally had her knee replacement surgery but she did not follow through with her rehabilitation exercises and ultimately never walked without an upright walker ever again. She never regained the strength in her knew stable knee, thereby never getting around to having the other knee replaced.
Mom, it all started with your mind and your body followed. Toward the end your heart became weak so you were refereed to a cardiologist. The first warning was when you were being screened for knew replacement surgery to make sure you were healthy enough for it. You just basically had to lose 50 more pounds because everything else was great. You got the weight down which was awesome! I was shocked to be honest when you were told you met the criteria for surgery with your weight loss and you didn’t have any expression of excitement or accomplishment over it. The Physicians assistant who gave you the great news and myself were so excited and you didn’t really express any emotion at all. I remember that was one of the first signs that your mind mentally had taken a bad turn and just became more toxic from there 🙁 There was however just one more possible issue to deal with before clearing you for surgery and that was your heart. You had lived in extreme sedentary for so long the surgeon was concerned about your heart so you were sent to a cardiologist to make sure your heart was ok. You barely passed. The surgery went perfectly. You recovered perfectly. You just didn’t do your rehab follow through which makes me so sad mom 🙁 I will always wonder for the rest of my life why you didn’t follow through, why your mind took a turn for the worst about 5 or 6 months after dad passed for the last two years of your life, and why you agreed to this surgery after you were clearly informed of the consequences of not following through with your rehab. For the rest of my life I will wonder. I asked her quite a few times why, but you never had an answer. The few times you did answer you just said you didn’t know. Sometimes you said, “what is wrong with me?” So you knew something was going on with your mind. I encouraged you to develop a relationship with a really good therapist who could help you. I tried that once with a really nice lady but you weren’t motivated to keep going back or following through with treatments. I don’t know for sure what happened but it’s kind of like you lost motivation to live any longer even though you had so much love and support. Maybe it’s the dozens of medications your doctor had you on that took over your mind and chipped away at the real you. The past two years of your life I feel like you were not yourself most of the time. The rare moments you were yourself I would turn everything else off to soak that up because I was well aware you could go at anytime and I did not know how many more of those precious moments I would have with you as your true self.
Mom you had always struggled with depression and anxiety but the last two years of your life it was all magnified at extreme levels. It’s like you were a tortured soul. I’ll never understand it but I know it broke my heart every day because I just wanted my mom back and on those rare moments you were your old self I really soaked all that up and I’m glad that I did.
Mom, I hate to say this, I said this to you while you were still living, your stress, anxiety, and over all toxic thinking got so bad it became palpable and you broke my tolerance for it. I actually started to give myself a 50/50 change of a heart attack if I hung out with you for too long so for the last couple years of your life you didnt see me too much except for those moments you were your true self. At one point, I will never forget, you said to me, “Tom don’t let me take you down with me.” That was heavy to hear. I said, don’t worry mom I won’t but I don’t want you to go down either I want you to get better I love you you’ve got support here but I do promise I won’t let you take me down with you.
That was quite a conversation to have. My mom knew something was going on in her mind. It’s amazing how something intangible like the mind affects something tangible like the rest of the body. But what started it? I think the most likely culprit are her many medications including anti depressants which messes with the chemistry of the mind. But with those you can’t just come off cold turkey or two quickly or it could kill you. This gets into the territory of how harsh I am in criticizing the paradigm of which the medical community operates in a curriculum created by the Pharmacological industry. However, because of my moms extreme unhealthy life style, these drugs saved her life for many years while simultaneously taking her life away 🙁
I don’t know if my mom would have beat covid-19 at 75 years of age otherwise, but, you have to factor in everything that goes into that. Her lack of tolerance for the virus, and her already very compromised immune system and weak heart and lungs played a huge role in being ill-equipped to deal with a virus that attacked her upper respiratory system. She was already seeing a heart specialist. In fact, Im supposed to take her to Saint Lukes in Milwaukee this August 12th for a special scan they can do up there to get a better look at her heart, figure out why her heart is so weak, and then go from there. That appointment is obviously not happening anymore because her heart is no longer beating. She is gone 🙁
Living a life style that builds STRONG natural defenses on a daily bases is what stacks the odds overwhelmingly in ones favor. That has to be worth while. Remember, go for a life that is worth it rather than a life that is easy. In my opinion we need to redefine what is “easy”. Suffering, losing your mind, being pumped up on different prescription drugs for life etc is NOT easy. Being able to walk and run, play, have feel good bowel movements daily, to feel youthful IS easy. Learning how to make healthy food taste really good is easy. Working out regularly becomes so easy if you do it regularly enough, you get to a point where you actually feel pumped up and even aroused once you get into the warmup of your workout. Then a really weird but cool paradox happens… The HARDER you workout the EASIER it becomes because as you get fitter it’s the stuff that challenges you physically that you innately need! If you’re not challenged you’re bored so whats easy is hard and what’s hard is easy! I’m sure there is a better way to explain that so hopefully everyone reading this knows what I’m talking about.
Mom, I loved you unconditionally throughout everything. Even when I got sad, heart broken, frustrated, or pissed off. I desperately tried to help you with your mind and how you feel because I knew that was the crux of everything else. I am not a yeller I hate that people yell and scream at each other. But, I wanted you to snap out of the toxic thinking more than I hated yelling. So, reluctantly I yelled at you a few times which always made me feel terrible. And here come the tears again as I type this 🙁 I know you understood why but I still felt horrible and still do. But, if I didn’t try different things to try and get through to you then I would have wondered. So I am glad I tried yelling after years of not yelling and only speaking softly to you. I was desperately because after all you are my mom and I knew it was not going to end well for you unless I could find a way to get through to you. Sadly I never found that way and it is final now. Every day I thought to myself that I still have you so there is still time, still hope, so I kept trying knowing that once you’re gone I would have no more opportunities to try. I can at least safely not have any regret regarding that but it still hurts that I was not successful. You are my mom. I just wanted you in my life longer and to be feeling well and like your true self. I wanted you to get your mind back and become mobile again which the knee surgery would have made happen if not for your devolving mindset.
Mom, I know you felt loved knowing I did everything I could think of, including things that made me feel bad like yelling, to help you get better. I also think you probably felt pretty terrible not giving me the success in your wellness that I so desperately fought for and never got. I would have done anything for you. I know you know that. I also know that when you were so toxic mentally you understood that I could not take it anymore and had to leave on many occasions but always came back the same day. I would say typically, “Mom I can’t take this I have to get out of here” and I would turn my ride share apps on which made me feel better but still so heart broken. But, I sure did soak up those moments you were your old self. I’m glad I got those as recently as the day I called 911 for the last time.
Actually, I got that moment of your true self one last time the day before my 43rd birthday. You called me from your hospital phone, the day after being admitted, to say, “well Happy Birthday!” I was like, “Thanks mom but this is the day before my birthday my birthday is tomorrow but I thank you anyway lol”. You said, “Oh I was thinking it was already Sunday but it’s Saturday! LoL”. I said, ” no worries mom this just means you get to wish me happy birthday again tomorrow 🙂 ”
Man, that was a wonderfully phone call. She sounded in good spirits. Her old self. I figured she would be ok and in a rehabilitation center soon to bring back the strength of her legs so she could come back home which I was so anxious for to be able to bring her back home again. I had no idea at the time that would be the last conversation with mom where she was feeling good but now a days I replay it in my head over and over again.
The following day she called me again and this was the beginning of the end. She told me she tested positive for Covid-19. This was on the day of my birthday. I also started developing symptoms the day before, on the 18th, which I told my mom about on the phone on the 18th, the day before my 43rd birthday, the same conversation that turned out to be the last feel good conversation with my mom I would ever have. My symptoms flared up FAST out of nowhere beginning late night of the 17th of July now that I remember, just as I called 911 for the ambulance to take my mom to the ER. I didn’t think anything about it other than wow I am legit sick for the first time in 13 years. So on the 18th of July, the day before my birthday and final feel good phone call with my mom, I told her suddenly I came down with something but I was already starting to feel better so don’t worry. On the 19th of July, my birthday, my mom tells me she is covid-19 positive. Then we both mutually decide I need to get tested but we are all sure, including the doctors and nurses, that I have it too since we live together and I was helping to take care of my mom. Naturally I became scared for my mom with the covid news.
My mom had been following covid news daily always worried about it and fearful one of us would catch it. Since my mom had a tendency to hyper focus and stress about things it’s almost as if she manifested it or maybe even willed it to happen somehow. I really don’t know. I also have no way of knowing if I got it first and gave it to my mom which can be a mortifying thought, or if she got it first and gave it to me, or if we both got it independently of each other. We will never know. I did practice social distancing and sanitation guidelines since march 17 when it became realized on a wide scale that this was serious. My primary motive was for others around me that I did not want to transmit too because I figured it would be no big deal if I got it but I’d be mortified if I passed it on to someone else so I took the CDC guidelines seriously from the beginning. If I did get it first and pass it to my mom it wasn’t out of carelessness. But we will never know. My mom over the phone said she was worried she’s the one who gave it to me. I told my mom I really had no idea who had it first or maybe we both got it independently. I re assured her I practiced all the guidelines just as I had been reassuring her all along I haven’t had physical contact with anyone since the middle of March which was actually my most recent travel to Las Vegas and back. By the time I got back home from vegas all the initial big closures were in the process of going into affect so even right from there that early on I did not give my mom a hug or make physical contact like I always would coming off a trip. I didn’t hug my mom again until the eve of her passing while she was still conscious and I was gowned up, masked up, goggled up, hopefully not looking to alien for her. But I am so grateful she was able to see me and feel my touch, hear my voice, see my eyes, as she slipped from consciousness to unconsciousness.
I love my mom. I will never stop saying it out loud with my voice. My mom loved the sound of my voice. She loved my presence. I just wish she would have taken all that energy she put into her stress and anxiety, and instead put it into doing the long hard consistent work toward healing, recovery, and wellness. I would have done ANYTHING to help her do that. I would have given up my ride sharing and my network marketing online goals which for me is a HUGE deal because I’m extremely goal driven in support of my purposes. But nothing would have been more of a priority than spending more time and energy with my mom if she had been more interested in self care than self destruction those past couple of years 🙁
Sadly, most of my time spent helping my mom for those last two of her years was lots of doctor appointments, lots of random trips to the ER, and more regular trips to the store after she lost a lot of her mobility and became a bigger risk for falling.
Another random memory… Remember when I said for some moments she did really good and made some wonderful healthy changes? One of them was right after my dad passed on and I moved back home as she became more immobile, I started making healthy plant based lunches every day that I would stop my ride sharing for. For a little while she would have these healthy home made lunches with me. I just LOVED that. I thought it had turned into a regular habit but it did not last too long. I was settling into the wonderfulness of a nice healthy lunch every day with my mom and then suddenly out of nowhere she was no longer interested and went right back to the terrible unhealthy foods. Comfort foods? Probably. My mom was doing real good for the first five or six months after my dad passed on. I don’t think my dads passing was a factor in her mindset for her last two years. I still go back to all the meds she was on by her various Doctors. I would have loved to have kept that daily ritual going of a health lunch with my mom. It was also a great bonding experience that I miss so much.
Another thing my mom liked that was super healthy was this super foods shake I got her and my whole family on starting in November of 2009. My dad, my brother, my mom, of course myself. It’s the flagship product of the home business company I joined in August of 2007. I sell these super foods shakes. If you’d like to look at it let me know I will send you my company replicated website link with info and an order button if you decide to try it out. Comes with an automatic thirty day full refund promise. All four of us in my immediate family enjoyed this super foods shake. The last two years of my moms life I would make hers for her. Typically two at a time. One for now, and another I’d put in the fridge already made for later when I’d be out ride sharing or whatever I was doing. Toward the end she even stopped drinking the super foods shake unless I happened to be home the same time she was not in bed. Even the ones I’d put in the fridge for her she stopped drinking, most of the time.
This was another developing problem toward the end, it was the amount of time she spent in bed. Her heart and lungs never got anymore exercise which developed into the problems I eluded to earlier in this huge article. My daily experience became this… I would ride share, come home several times during the day between rides hoping to see my mom but she’d be in bed. I saw her very rarely and when I did it was always a 50/50 shot at her being in an intolerable toxic mood or resembling her old self. If she was up and her old self I loved turning my ride sharing apps off and hanging out with her, asking her if she would like me to make her something etc.. But it happened so rarely and just broke my heart each day. My favorite way to come home to her would be I would simply walk through the side door and into the kitchen where her chair in the living room facing the T.V. would be visible to me, to see her sitting in her chair comfortably watching T.V., and saying, “Hey Mom”, and her saying, “Hi Honey”, and wherever the conversation would go from their. I might ask her if she wanted anything, Can I make you something, how her day is going, watcha watching, do you need anything from the store etc.. When she initiated conversation with me it would typically start with how are you doing with your goals, did you meet your goals, I wanna talk to you about something, I have a question for you, do you still talk to …, I want you to make sure you …..
My moms big beautiful heart and spirit of giving is going to live on in me forever. My mom will live on in me and in Heaven with my Dad. I have many facets to my personality. I’m still going to be fiercely passionate, I’m still probably going to harshly criticize sociopathic lunatics who are more emboldened than ever in the present moment, I’m still going to guilt free LOVE making money so I can buy more passive money and have more FREEDOM in life, and I’m always going to CREATE and have free resources I can give, give, and give away to people who need it forever and ever. Even long after my own passing these resources will remain on line and available. I have thousands of videos, articles, and other pieces of content I’ve personally created all to do with NATURAL chemical free health, Organic BETTER wealth, mindset, philosophy, and anything else that can help people live a better life.
I started with free stuff to be able to graduate toward investing in myself and building up from there. So I first hand understand both the value of free and the value of investing money into myself in ways that are not free. You start where you are and build from there.
Positive minded people are always welcome to my group Change Makers
If you want to make better money too, or live a healthier life, or do both, or just soak up the free stuff, or invest in yourself, you are welcome to join my group.
I know I’ve typed up a lot but there are so many random thoughts that go through my brain at a time like this that what I’ve typed is just a drop in the bucket. It’s hard to remember it all long enough to type it all out and I type about 80 wpm! So many feelings and emotions, memories and reflections, that I can’t possibly get it all down but I wish I could.
Love,
Tom