President Pinocchio

I poll higher than Abraham Lincoln but there were no polls during Abraham Lincoln.

I know Matt Whittaker but I don’t know Matt Whittaker.

I’m for universal healthcare but I’m against universal healthcare.

I’m against the Electoral College but I’m for the Electoral College when I lost the popular vote.

I’m not going to take any money from The Establishment but I am taking money from the establishment and put them in the top levels of my Administration then I enriched them.

Mexico will pay for the wall but I’m going to ask congress to have the US tax payers pay for it.  Then I’m going to say Mexico is indirectly paying for it through our trade deal even though in April of 2016 I specifically said Mexico would make a DIRECT one time payment to the United States for the border wall and I will get my band of suckers to parrot my talking point of Mexico paying indirectly through a trade deal when I’m easily caught in my sloppy brazen lie.  And by the way… My band of suckers will also neglect to notice the trade deal makes no mention of the wall let alone funding for the wall but they will parrot me anyway because they are my faithful suckers.

I’m going to give the majority of tax cuts to the middle class but I gave 83% of the tax cuts to the top 1%.

I’m going to fight Congress to establish bargaining rights with private drug companies but I’m not after I accepted legal bribes from them.

I’m going to end the wars against countries that never attacked us but instead I’m going to expand into bombing new countries that never attacked us after I began taking legal bribe money from the private for profit companies that make up the military industrial complex.

The parents of Korean War soldiers called me to say thank you on the telephone even though they are all dead so it would have been impossible for them to call me unless I’m taking calls from the grave?

I gave the troops over 10% pay raise this year. They haven’t been given a raise in years. I had to fight to get it because they wanted to give them only 2 or 3 percent.  That’s what I told the troops to their faces.  In reality I made up the whole thing.  I never fought for their raise.  They get a raise every year to keep up with inflation as decided upon annually be the dept. of labor.  This year it was 2.6%.  Inflation is 2.9% so the troops real wages went down by .3%.  I begrudge the troops so much ill lie to their faces about a conversation to give them a 10%+ pay raise that never took place.

I’m going to take less vacations than Obama except I’m going to more than double my vacation time my first year.

I’m anti redistribution of wealth but I’m going to double down on redistribution of wealth from the poor to the top through my failed health care attempt and then my successful tax bill passage.

I’m anti socialism but I’m for socialism for the billionaires in the establishment who donate money to my campaign through our insane system of legalized bribery.

I love the military but when I fund the military my donors from the military industrial establishment get it all at the expense of all troops and Veterans to be thrown under the bus. Average starting pay for new military recruits will remain 19K / year and too poor to afford food without government food stamps.

I hate fake news but I tell more lies than CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC combined.

I want people to come into our country legally except when a Caravan of brown people comes into our Port of Entry to go through our legal process.

I agree with Birthright citizenship but I’m working currently to get rid of Birthright citizenship.

We are going to protect people with pre-existing medical conditions except I have my Administration in court right now fighting to cancel protection for people with pre-existing medical conditions.

I’m a republican but I’m really an establishment member of the corporatist party of socialism and corporate welfare for billionaires.

I’m anti-violence and I want to see love everywhere but I regularly actively encourage violence and I even praised a republican who body-slammed a reporter.

I am Law and Order but if you see someone criticizing me punch him in the face and I will pay your legal fees.

We in the right-wing party are the peaceful party but 71 percent of all political murders in our country is by radical right-wing extremists while only 3% is by radical left-wing extremists.

Radical Islamic Terror by scary Muslims is the real threat to America but 71% of all the political murders are done by radical right-wing extremists and only 28% by radical Islamic extremists. By my own logic we need to block all right wing Republicans from entering our country until we figure out what the hell is going on.

I highly respect women but I brag about grabbing them by the pussy without their consent.

I’m like a stable genius because every stable genius declares themselves to be a stable genius but I’m easily provably objectively the most painfully stupidest president in history without exaggeration.

I’m a tough guy but I’ll separate small children from their parents because that’s what tough guys do.

Political correctness has gone out of control but when it comes to climate change we will omit certain trigger words from Key reports from uncorrupted scientists warning us about climate change.

Snowflakes are annoying but I am queen snowflake of them all and as president I have resources of the safest of all safe spaces for when I’m feeling triggered from the most non-offensive criticisms imaginable.

I will listen to our generals on the ground except when my donors tell me otherwise because I take money from the establishment now after I promised I wouldn’t.

I will pay down the debt easily but I just added 1.9 trillion to the debt instead which is more than any president has added in history inside of only one piece of legislation.

I love my country but my legal bribers get first dibs on me.

I believe in democracy but I am friends and allies with over 70% of all of the world’s dictators.

I’m president Pinocchio I don’t have any real opinions on anything or anybody and I’m a sloppy liar but what do I care I have a solid base of suckers that believe I’m an honest truth telling man.

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P.s. I don’t really care to have a battle with reality so all comments that are not reality-based will be happily deleted 🙂 Having said that, you are more than welcome to completely make fun of and rip our inferior, unrespectable, irredeemable president apart because it would be objective based on facts to do so.

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