A few days ago I started writing down some thoughts about two very different kinds of leadership. Leadership via control vs leadership via empowerment and having the awareness to know when I’m exercising one or the other. I let it sit for a bit and I’m finishing the thought today (the thought will never truly be finished).
I’m not even talking about CEOs or politics or anything big like that. You can see it in everyday life. Workplaces, friend groups, relationships, families, lovers.
Some people lead by tightening their grip. Everything has to pass through them. Decisions, direction, approval. The room sort of orbits around them. They become the center of gravity. Sometimes someone gets hurt emotionally.
And to be fair, sometimes that probably works. If things are chaotic, someone stepping in and taking control can stabilize things. I’ve definitely seen moments where that kind of leadership was needed.
However, when control becomes the normal way things run, the people around that person start shrinking a little and perhaps even starts to feel unsafe. Not physically obviously, but mentally.
People stop offering ideas. They stop taking initiative. They wait to be told. Almost like the environment quietly trained them that thinking for themselves isn’t part of the deal. In a romantic relationship, it can cause feelings of hurt.
My girlfriend, Dr. Resa Willis, inspires me to grow more into the other kind of leadership. The one where the leader seems oddly comfortable inspiring other people to think, to give voice, to offer ideas, to express their true feelings. Sometimes even struggle and to give them space.
You’ll hear them ask things like: What do you think we should do? Or, If I wasn’t here, how would you handle it?
At first it can look messy. Slower. Less polished. But over time the people in that environment start getting stronger. More confident. More capable. Perhaps most importantly, more safe and secure.
I want to focus more of this dynamic inside relationships.
Two people can love each other deeply and still fall into a quiet control pattern. One person ends up carrying all the direction, all the decisions, all the emotional gravity. The other person slowly stops standing fully in their own strength.
Or something different can happen.
Two people can actually inspire each other upward.
I’m very fortunate right now to be in a relationship with a woman who honestly feels like the woman of my dreams. And something interesting happens around her. She doesn’t shrink me. She inspires me to grow. There are many reasons why I love my girlfriend so much. Mutual inspiration for continual growth is one of those reasons. My girlfriend has inspired more growth in me than anyone, ever.
Her presence makes me want to rise up and become a stronger version of myself. A better man. Someone who leads with clarity but also creates space for both of us to be powerful in the relationship. And honestly, I love how powerful she is.
It feels much closer to empowerment than control.
Neither one of us trying to dominate the other. More like two people helping and inspiring each other to expand, grow, heal from past trauma.
And the more I think about it, that might actually be the most interesting kind of leadership.
The kind that doesn’t shrink the people around you.
Resa has repeatedly told me how our relationship inspires others around us.
I’m still forming my thoughts on this concept of leadership via control vs empowerment, but it’s something I’ve been thinking of and dedicating myself to practicing more and more lately.
I love you Resa.
Tom
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