When past mistakes have caused pain, it’s natural to wonder if they’ll happen again. In long-term relationships, hurtful moments are likely, but the key question is: were they intentional? And can two lovers maturely use these moments to grow stronger and more in love?
Promising to never hurt someone is unrealistic. A more mature promise might be: “I’ll never intentionally hurt you, and when I unintentionally do, I’ll own up to it and we’ll grow from it.” Imperfect moments will come, but the goal is to never deceive, even in poor judgment, to shed all self protective armor, and to be rooted in love instead of fear or ego. True safety comes from vulnerability, love over fear, and the knowledge that hurtful moments will be met with awareness, growth, and a stronger bond.
Closing ourselves off, or communicating in bad faith is a disservice to all involved. Painful admissions are sometimes necessary. External challenges are easier to overcome than the internal ones where one partner has unintentionally hurt the other. If something matters, it can’t be an unspoken assumption. Verbalizing commitments feels good for both lovers. A commitment to growth and love instead of fear and silence.
Are we building a relationship together with shared goals? Do we both have a place in each other’s future plans? Can we envision a shared future together?
These are fundamental questions that are often overlooked or ignored. It may feel raw and even terrifying to address them head-on, but it’s a healthier way forward for both partners involved. If we’re just casually dating, it may not matter as much, but if our feelings are mutual and we’re truly rising in love, these questions deserve to be answered openly and honestly.
Gaining clarity and a shared vision for the future can be incredibly exciting. When we understand how we fit into each other’s plans and can see a shared vision take shape, we can watch our vision for a life together crystalize, and that’s something to be thrilled about. Feeling safe and nurtured with our lover, knowing that when hurt occurs they’ll be addressed with openness, care, and ultimate, deeper love, makes the heart and soul feel wonderful. Rather than feeling ashamed for wanting to have these conversations, we feel honored and loved. Perhaps this is the notable difference between falling in love or RISING in love between two lovers.
Read my blog post that inspired me to write the one you just read:
From Pain to Evolution: How Errors in Judgement Change Us at Our Core and Shape Our Humanity
-Tom